A Time To Grow

Posted on 12/01/2009

There are few things more difficult than facing the imminent dissolution of relationship. Each partner wishes to preserve his self esteem, be right, and blame the other. A separation neutralizes old manipulations. A partner's attempts to control, to create guilt by acting helpless, or to restrict finances become seen as reasons to stay apart where before they had the power to hold partners in place .

This is a time for growing, for giving up the restrains your relationships placed om you, for learning to trust yourself and to realize that your relationship only has a chance if both of you are free to disagree and decide for yourself.

You may not like the idea that your spouse wants to be alone, but try not to take it personally. Use the separation for your own advantage. It is your separation, too. Think about your own needs. You cannot be in a relationship with someone who is deeply ambivalent about staying without having some reservations of your own. A relationship can't be terrible for one partner and wonderful for the other.

Don't panic for attempt to resist your partner's decision. Don't make threats about what will do if he leaves. It will only propel your partner into impulsive behavior or lead him to defy you. If that worth is going to happen and your deepest fears are going to be realized, there is nothing you can do to stop it. Certainly opposing the inevitable will only strengthen your partner' resolve.

Agreeing to separate without prejudice or blame, even under circumstances that seem against you, can mark the turning point in your relationship. Rise to the occasion. Be understanding and supportive. Recognize that it is not going well. Welcome the opportunity to be apart.

Remember, each of you has to do what is right for yourself. Admitting this may give your partner real hope for reconciliation. Indicate that you want it to work out if that is what is best for both of you. Empathizing is a far better approach than threatening or trying to manipulate or control.

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