How To Have A Good Argument

Posted on 11/12/2009

Don't wait for feelings to build up. Express your hurt as soon as you are aware of it. Indicate what hurts and why.

Be direct and simple. If you mention your discomfort soon enough, you will be able to resolve this issue in a few minutes. If you wait, it will take much longer.

Do not attribute sinister motives or suggest that your partner is bad.

Don't say things for effect.

Don't attack sensitive areas as a way of retaliating. Remember, confronting someone with their weakness always produces a negative response that is difficult to manage. It may precipitate a heated argument fought from ridgid positions, that is unlikely to result in anything profitable.

Don't look for a fight.

The correct attitude is to expect a positive result.

Let unimportant negative remarks pass without comment. If you lie or say something you do not mean, stop immediately and take it back. A statement like "I misspoke, I really meant to say....." is needed. If your partner is still dwelling on the mistreatment, indicate that you are sorry and allow yourself to get past it and move on without commenting.

Don't walk out just because you disagree. Just indicate that you disagree.

Don't pout or become sullen. This is only an attempt to make your partner feel sorry for you. It is childish and diminishes your partner's respect for you and increase his anger because you are not talking the argument seriously.

Do not issue an ultimatum during an argument. If you want to give your partner an ultimatum, be sure that you meant what you say and plan stick with it and make the comment at another, less heated moment. An ultimatum delivered during an argument is insincere and provocative. It diminishes your credibility, causes more harm than good, and should be avoided.

Again, and this cannot be expressed too strongly, if during the argument you feel warm feelings for your partner, be encouraged, it means you are on the right track and your relationship is already improving. Express these feelings as well and share your new found hope.

Don't allow any argument to precipitate a crisis. If you feel that you are being pushed to the limits of your reasonableness and acceptance, indicate that you don't want to make any rash comments or decisions and would like to take a break to cool down.

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