Men cannot imagine love without sex. Women cannot imagine sex without love.

Posted on 12/24/2009

Frigidity is a little more complicated because women cannot point to a flaccid penis as an excuse for not participating in sex. They need to make more elaborate excuses when they are unwilling to admit their hurt and anger. Women, like men, have moments when their sex drive evaporates .

This is common after the birth of a child, especially when the woman feels overwhelmed about fulfilling her new role and feels that her husband and child are both babies needing her care. Some women feel uninterested in sex during certain days of their menstrual cycle, at certain periods of their lives, and when they are afraid of something.

Women are much less able to have sex’for its own sake, unlike men, who can suddenly get in the mood just by remembering something sexy that happened twenty five years ago. Women are more likely to be taught by an unhappy mother that it isn’t nice to enjoy sex or that sex is unfulfihling or dirty, a perverse attempt to discourage them and protect their chastity.

It is a woman’s attitude about herself that determines her sexuality. Low self esteem, fear of losing control, and anxiety over being lovable are the main reasons women have problems with sex. A woman who does not feel good about herself cannot feel truly sexy. Although some women use sex to feel loved, such sex feels manipulative and draining. It’s not exciting. When a woman feels she must perform to please her partner, the experience may be sexy by the man’s standards, but it’s often a bit distanced and staged, and not very fulfilling.

The frigid woman is not interested in the man and usually for good reasons. She may feel he is insensitive, demanding, controlling, or filled with self importance. Unable to express her anger, she retaliates by not participating in sex. The man tends to lose patience with her finding her too difficult to deal with.

Instead of trying to understand her, he often just demands his rights. This further damages the equality between the partners. A woman who is not permitted to say “no” without feeling guilty will never say “yes” with abandon.

A woman who is stripped of her own career and identity, who feels dependent and powerless, also feels resentful even if she is unwilling to admit it to herself, even if she protests the opposite to the world. Often she is not taken seriously, not listened to, and not treated as an equal. So when her partner asks for sex, he empowers her to refuse. When that is the only power a woman has over her mate, you can be sure she will use it.

Most frigid women aren’t sexually unfeeling. They are just so hurt and angry that there is no way that tender, receptive feelings can express themselves. If a woman is angry at a man for bottling her up and not caring for her, the last emotion she will express is sexual desire. A woman’s sexuality depends on her ability to feel vulnerable, trusting, and loved. Millions of dollars’ worth of psychotherapy have been spent trying to make this point to frustrated husbands.

Men betray themselves when they want sex on command because spontaneous sex is the by-product only of an open, feeling relationship where the partners are both free. A happy sexual life is an extension of a happy, free life together.

If you are not happy together, why should you expect your sex life to be good?

While insecure men are likely to label their sexually uninterested mates psychologically impaired, or point to an unhappy childhood to explain why they are not aroused, they are just fooling themselves. For all the problems in self esteem or mistaken beliefs about sex, when sex isn’t working the problem is usually in the relationship. Many so-called frigid women have easily warmed to passion in the arms of a caring partner.

Men cannot imagine love without sex. Women cannot imagine sex without love. The frigid woman is not cold by nature but by reaction. She wants tenderness and love but is reduced to withholding sex to keep from losing her identity. She avoids participating in sex because it makes her even more dependent on the man, exactly what she is trying to avoid.

Frigidity is a perverted symbol of independence.

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