Never Compromise Your Freedom

Posted on 10/13/2009

It takes two free partners to make a relationship whole. When the partners question each other's right to act freely, the relationship is filled with testing and resentment. It is not in our nature to forgive another for playing on our weaknesses and coercing us to give up our freedom.

Worse, the resentment one feels toward oneself for being weak and yielding this right often becomes the basis for defiance and rebelliousness and an overstated need to prove one's own independence. Doing things just to prove you are still free to do them is not the act of a free person.

Compromise becomes evolution when partners relinquish control over each other and grant each other the freedom to do whatever they want. When you allow your partner to be free, you also free yourself from being his keeper.

If you reject this idea because you find it too threatening, your self-doubt stands in the way of achieving a workable compromise. In the best relationships the partners are always free to do what they want but they choose, on a daily basis, to be with the other. A forced compromise is a loose bond that easily comes undone. After a while, "Am I free to do this?" becomes a more important question to the trapped partner than "Do I want to do this?"

Doing what you want and wanting is best for you is the sign of a mature person who loves him or herself and is therefore capable of loving look an adult. Relationships in which rigid restrictions about are like relationships between children and parents. One partner has the power and the other is intimidated into obeying.

Excessive rules turn such relationships into a replay of the conflicts each partner experienced while growing up. They encourage rebellion rather than real growth. The mistrust and self-doubt that spared these rules create a climate of contuining hurt and resentment, not a place of love.

If the freedom to choose is always available, real loyalty builds. How can you be disloyal to someone who is committed to your freedom?

And yet some compromises must always be made. Just remember, if you ask your partner to give up part of his or her identity, friends, or sources of support, you also sacrifice part of your relationship. If you diminish your partner's strength, you also undermine his ability to give to you.

When partner compromises his or her chances to grow, the issue will come back to haunt your relationship. A partner who feels incomplete can only love incompletely. So when a partner has second thoughts about making a compromise for the sake of your relationship, he must be permitted to express his doubts.

And while expressing them may cause pain, hiding disappointments always makes matters worse. If the compromise cause pain, it is not the right solution and a new understanding needs to be reached.

FOR A RELATIONSHIP TO WORK, BOTH PARTNERS MUST WIN.

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