The Dependent Type

Posted on 11/07/2009

Dependent people need to be reassured that they are lovable. They need frequent contact with someone who expresses care for them. They need to be told repeatedly that they are good. They need physical stroking and quickly become attached to anyone who shows them affection.

Affection is their gift and their guest. They bond closely and completely, sometimes before taking enough time to be sure that what they are doing is in their best interest. They seem hypnotized but the prospect of being close to a person, like a deer frozen by the headlights of an oncoming vehicle.

Dependent people are warm and loving, sometimes too much so. Their loving often seems motivated by their need to be loved in return. Dependent people have a blind spot created by this need and so are inclined to attach themselves to people indiscriminately.

They misinterpret clinging for caring and control for involvement. Even when the quality of the relationship deteriorates, they tend to hold on because they feel having someone better than being alone. This explains why some dependent people who should know better remain even in self destructive relationships.

The dependent person's bond is as strong as their self esteem is weak. Even so, dependent people can grow. However, when they discard an unhealthy relationship, they must overcome a great deal of guilt, since they have often bonded out of fear of being alone rather than love. Because the person they want to break away from is often just as dependent, breaking away can be traumatic, full of doubt, recriminations, panic, and remorse.

Because we are all dependent when we begin life, we have a natural inclination to bond to anyone who promises to take care of us. It is no surprise to learn that relationships entered into when we were young have the greatest dependency problems. Dependent people need to become more independent, but often such growth is seen by their parents, who count on their weakness to make them feel strong by comparison, as a betrayal.

Women are generally more dependent than man. To some extent this is the result of societal conditioning and family expectations, but it also reflects a biological reality. Even independent women become dependent when their children are young because they need another's support to carry out their mothering functions.

In spite of all of the social and career gains they have achieved, women are still expected to adopt a dependent role to be homemakers, form the center of families, and socialize and humanize their men and children.

Society in general, and many men in particular, expect the women to be the dependent partner in a relationship. In reality, however, it is often the man who is dependent. Ideally, the dependence in a relationship should be mutually recognized and satisfied.

The dependent trait, when positively realized, is reflected in the person, whether man or women, who nurtures others with care and love. At the negative extreme, dependent types tend to smother others with affection, to manipulate them by guilt, and to fail to recognize the legitimacy of anyone else rights but their own. Extreme dependence can also become a burden on others.

Again, everyone can also inclination. Even as we strive for independence, we still hope that someone will be there to see us through. This dependent with defines our need for another person. But extreme or one sided dependence makes it impossible to love freely without possessiveness or fear of abandonment.

• ‹ previous
• next ›

Related Posts