When there is sex everywhere, there may not be much room for love

Posted on 11/11/2009

Relationships that are based on a powerful sexual or physical attraction are a blessing and a burden at the same time. When two people have strong chemistry between them and are easily aroused by the other, they tend to make sexuality more important than anything else.

Their intense sexuality may conceal the fact that the rest of the relationship is not really working. Or the partners may become so involved in the compulsion to be together that they do not notice each other's shortcomings. Often, these exclusively sexual relationships are formed by partners who have felt deprived in other relationships. When they find each other, it seems like magic, but each merely projects the image of the person they want onto the other and falls in love with their illusion.

When couples are highly sexually attracted to each other there is a danger of neglecting other needs, especially if they believe they can solve every problem by making love. It may work for a while, but unaddressed problems tend to build up and eventually undermine sexual spontaneity. So when their feelings catch up with them, these couples are often overwhelmed and unable to cope.

When the relationship gets gets rough and the partners discover that they cannot work it out, it is common for them to lament '' But I'm still in love with him/her" The sexual attraction still pulses, still pushes them towards the wrong solution. While couples with a lower sexual drive may envy couples who are more sexual, an intense sexual drive can interfere with sorting out feelings and letting go of a relationship that may not be a good one.

Because one partner is often more affected than the other, many of these relationships are obsessional, and rejection and abuse are typical. Replays in fantasy of the most torrid times together fill the voids when the partners are not getting along and lead them to desire what is not in their best interest.

Often these "good times" were an illusion in the first place, a flight from reality in which they used sex as a universal antidote for their pain and loneliness. Such sex is highly addictive and, again, the need for it can be stronger in one partner than in other. In that case, the very foundation of their relationship sex becomes a problem that, if unresolved destroys the relationship.

If the couple is lucky, the sexual bond between them becomes less intense with time, and the partners are able to find the emotional distance necessary to evaluate their other needs. Usually, however, they must leave the relationship to gain this clarity.

Sexual attraction alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. When there is sex everywhere, there may not be much room for love.

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